White Noise 2020

I don’t sleep very well.

It is partly due to anxiety, but also due to the fact that I am hyper-vigilant/sensitive.

My doctor explained this to me about 10 years ago and it means that I am forever in a state of fight or flight.

​This is a way of being that is very primal and unnecessary now as we are not at risk from being attacked and have safe houses to return to at night.

What it means is that I am always on edge and ready to react to danger.

​So sleep does not come easily to me.

Over lockdown this became much worse, until I decided to let go of some of my trauma.

It’s not an action that was easy and I essentially re-trained my brain during the lockdown experience and our ‘new normal’ since; encouraging my brain to finally let go of some of that pain and realise that things are the way they are and after 23 years I must accept that I can not change them.

​My new mantra from one of the most empowering dreams I had just a few weeks ago is – “I’m not the problem, you are”.

What a realisation my subconscious brain must have had that night.

Brain training alone was not easy and the thing I found that what really cinched this for me was white noise.

I downloaded a free app and each night when I am attempting sleep, I play the fan noise (I chose the fan because it was during that very hot weather that we started sleeping with the fan on and I noticed the effect it had on me.)

I won’t lie to you and say I am cured.

But I will say that there is a difference and I feel mentally more well.

I feel a little more rested than usual and I am able to cope with things that happen a little easier than before.

​White noise may help you too if you are struggling with similar issues.